10 Signs This Morning That I Shouldn’t Have Gotten into the Absinthe Last Night

Bonnywood Manor

One from the archives…

  Background details: Yes, absinthe. Not the original version that made Nicole Kidman and all her little friends have visions and then sing about it in that one movie, but the modern version without the supposed hallucinatory properties. A certain resident of Denton, TX, felt compelled to introduce this substance into our otherwise chaste social gathering, resulting in questionable activity and conversations devoid of merit or logic. I submit to the court the following evidence…

1.My uvula is swollen.

After many years of field research and careful analysis, I have discovered that the hangy thing in my mouth only achieves an engorged state when two activities take place at the same time in an evil convergence: One, I have consumed something other than beer, my usual choice for a recreational beverage, and Two (as a result of One), I have been compelled to vocalize endlessly on…

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